How much is too much?

Its 11 PM. Working a night shift, I just published an Open Page article in The Hindu about “taming Teens”. That’s when it hit me – taming, what could have been an almost-offensive way to describe 5 years back, is a word all too subtle now to describe teens and its added baggage of parenting.

I love kids. I adore babies. But never had I felt the need to have my own. Why? Fear of parenting. My parents have always been the “cool” ones. My dad, always dressed to race ahead of his time, wore competition around his neck amongst his friends and mine, which delayed the age-guess games a lot. My mom, always the “worrier”, still managed to bridge my dad’s conservative way of thoughts with his rebellious daughter at the toughest of times- teenage. Having studied in a co-ed school until the age of 15, I found it queer to face instructions and the so-called-troubles of “talking to guys” from the nuns and sisters of high school. I could wear clothes that are termed modern now, barring show of too much bare skin, despite my Father’s love for traditional attire for his daughter. I was allowed to stay out till 9 PM until first year of college and until 11 for a little later after that. My parents had brought me up with the right proportion of letting me know how much is right and how much is too much. But how many of us know if we got the proportion for the tonic right?

As I asked this question at every juncture I got, my best friend said, “Children grow by themselves. We just need to be around.” Coming from almost a similar kind of household herself, I always wondered how she managed to keep her calm self. The thought of rearing kids seem turbulent to me, enough to keep my love for kids away. 

Teenage is worst of terrible woes. When kids think they own their mind, the world and their parents money in every rightful way. It’s an extremely turbulent time to get through and it’s never easy to fall down effortlessly. The age of bikes, bollywood, bodybuilding, tattoos, facebook- like of all. It could be an appalling thought for an all-too-conservative-household’s parents to comprehend any one of these. But it’s become the bare essential of life to know, and be a part of all these, lest you be left behind in this contest, thus also becoming “uncool” parents.

The daughter wants to stay back at school for extra classes and have night-overs with her gal pals;While, the son wants to ‘hang-out’ with his friends for a party. Beer is never out of the picture in both the scenarios. But how do you know for sure? Confrontation is going to throw them way off base and even further away from you. So, in turn, it is necessary to learn to bring that “blind eye”, for the better of your children, for the better of your blood pressure. It’s all not all that bad. So its beer. So it’s a couple of adult videos. And so it’s also one confrontation with the local cops. But, relax. It’s all a part of the learning process. If they don’t heed, they rebel. But, in the process they learn; in order to know how and what to teach their kids.

My 14 year old nephew thinks its normal to “do-it” if you are engaged to a guy/girl. As my jaw dropped from hearing it, I wondered if I could have explained the situation in any other way to him. But, I found myself in a dead end. Do I tell him it’s wrong to “do it”? Do I tell him it’s acceptable only in the right age? What if he asks me which is the right age? And using what words do I make him understand that love, lust and sex are not necessarily in the same category? He is 14 years old. If he doesn’t hear it from me now, he would hear a rather crude version from his friends in school. But learning about Birds and Bees is the least of parenting worries.

Back-answering and sulking become part of your life. I remember hearing complaint of my sulk. But like the angel I remember myself to be, I hardly remember throwing tantrums; which is why it’s important to be patient with the present sulking lot too. And also, with the future ones- because they hardly know that that’s how horrible they look when they sulk, especially the look-conscious daughters. There is when that fine line between parenting and being-friendly is drawn. It’s extremely daunting for a parent to hang in there, not belonging to either of zones. Respect seems eons away and you are not ‘in’ enough to be your son/daughter’s friend. But reaching him/er is important and so is coaxing him/er into confiding in you, what could be serious trouble. To strike a fine balance is the neutral of the job, even if you do step on to the wrong gear at first.

I look back at what I have learnt through these years, as a kid, as a girl and now as a woman. My parents did a fair job of giving me all that I needed, making me shed my inhibitions, draw that lakshman rekha and yet listen and heed to my wants. But I knew that I could take decisions in my life after I reached the age of 16. I din’t not have to worry about falling then. I thought it was unconditional that parents always got your back. But it was after I got to 21-22 I began to realise that the right to decide is not necessarily the exact similar to recognising a realisation. Realising that you are the sole bearer of what you say and do, comes from a large number of failures, insurmountable pain and heartaches, plentiful muck-ups and thus, having to face hard reality of facing defeat and rising up again.

Grasping on ever so tightly to ones kids is never going to help the parents. Least of all, it’s been proven that perfect parenting is a myth. It’s hard to please any human being at this day and age and children are no surprise in that department. Interfere only as long as you feel you may not butt into their life. It’s their individuality that you are robbing them off. A crisis to handle by themselves is exactly what they need to learn to know what is responsibility and how important it is to gain that trust from you. As life sails by, grades are numbers that matter in a very small way in the macro picture. And seeing red during school for a reason as trivial as this, as to not let him go for that sports meet/ basketball tournament and convincing her that dancing isn’t as important as social sciences is, is not worth the immenselg huge hole that they are likely to find when they are your age. Tighten that hold, but keep letting that rope go for as long as you reach the end of the rope on your side. That amount of time matters to them because that is the time they learn to grow out of their inadequacies, differences and thus become you, who has also tread the same path not too long ago.